Ten Tips for Talks to Kids about Relationships...Scary....

We know that it is difficult to talk to your teen about relationships as well as its hard for them to talk to you about a part of their life that is so personal.  However, here are some tips on how to get the ball rolling as well as building a trust between you and your child.  First off you and your child needs to understand the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

Healthy Relationship: open and honest communication and an even playing field on which partners share power and control over decisions

Unhealthy Relationship: has an imbalance in which one partner tries to exercise control and power over the other through threats, emotional abuse, and physical abuse.

Now for the "Ten Tips"

1. Assess your own relationship values before you talk to your kids.  What are your expectations on how women and men should act, how they should handle disagreements.  Also, you should know how you expect a couple to make decisions together.

2. Reveal the unspoken "Rules of Dating". Give your kids clear examples of what is appropriate behavior in a dating relationship.  Talk to them first before they learn the standards from locker room or slumber party talk.

3. Tell the whole truth...Good AND Bad.  Pre-teens generally view dating very romantically.  Support these expectations, but also be realistic with them about the bad things that can happen.  Let them know that violence in never acceptable.

4. Teach assertiveness, not aggressiveness.  One of the best skills parents can teach their pre-teens is to make their feelings known by stating their opinions, desires, and reactions clearly.

5. Teach anger control.  Help your kids recognize their personal warning signs of anger.  Teach them to calm down by counting backwards from 10 to 1, deep breathing, or just simply walking away from the situation.

6. Teach problem solving.  When confronted with a tough issue, have your child determine what exactly happened and what may have caused the situation.  Then, ask them to think of different ways in which it could have been resolved.

7. Teach negotiation.  Help your children understand that compromising and taking turns are positive steps to a healthy relationship and that violence, threats, and insults have no place in respectful negotiation.

8. Explain the "Danger Zone".  Teach them to recognize that thoughts of aggression are signals of frustration that need to be acknowledged and dealt with.

9. Keep no secrets.  Secrecy that isolates kids from friends and family is not acceptable and can be the first sign of manipulation and coercion.

10. Be the ultimate role model.  Pre-teens learn by observing those around them, especially their parents.  It is critical that you respect yourself, your partner, and other people.

*Information provided from "A Parent's Handbook" distributed by the Liz Claiborne Foundation